Yesterday highlighted an important point for me, well may be several.
I was really excited about a project I had been part of and was looking forward to seeing myself in the end product.(With hindsight maybe the fact that earlier projects hadn't used all the work people submitted meant I subconsciously put more pressure on this one, I don't know.)
Anyhoo, after many weeks of wondering what was going on, the release day happened.
Many were in awe of the end result but some, myself included, felt disappointed that we weren't on screen at any point. To be honest I felt like I had been kicked in the gut. What followed was really unpleasant.
You are so nasty!
Why?
Because you are ungrateful! Why can't you be like everyone else and just be happy that it's done?
I don't know
Do you not appreciate what has been done and the time people put in?
I do but I can't help feeling this way, I'm sorry.
You're selfish and ungrateful and probably totally jealous!!! OMG you are so egotistical. You just want to be centre stage and.....
WHOOOOOAH THERE! I'm not standing for this personality assassination. You listen to me!
This was the point I took control. Having heard this inner talk stomping through my head I realised I had some exploring to do but I didn't have to take a complete bashing for it.
The first thing I needed to do was to identify what I was feeling.
Ok, so what was I feeling?
I felt upset, disappointed and perhaps even a little stupid for believing I would be on screen. (This thought was beginning to toddle off down the road of not being worthy or good enough and I wasn't prepared to let that old chestnut back in.)
The next question was why did I feel this way?
I had 'expected' to see myself even for the briefest of moments. Like so many others I had spent many hours trying to create a decent recording once I had overcome my fear of being in front of the camera. Although I may seem confident when doing the #GBHCNews,I have insecurities like everyone else and seeing myself on the screen without being uber critical took some doing.
When expectations are not met, a common reaction is one of disappointment. Was jealousy in there a wee bit? Maybe? Later on, when further material was revealed these feelings grew in intensity. A temper tantrum was teetering on the edge of my control but would that have helped?
It would've been easy to blame and criticise others but this wasn't what I wanted HOWEVER I was not going to beat myself up for feeling the way I did.
I was going to acknowledge it, accept it and release it, let it go.
Tempting as it maybe to lay the blame at someone else's feet I didn't want to go there.
It was then made clear that had I read some small print perhaps I wouldn't have felt misled or let down thus avoiding this situation altogether??
That wasn't going to make me feel any better but it reeled in any judgement of others that was trying to worm its way forward.
Following on from this, another point occurred to me. If I hadn't placed my happiness in someone else's hands I never would have felt so terribly let down.
I trusted that the end product would be all it was made out to be only to find it wasn't so, so yep I'm gonna feel disappointed and I'm not gonna feel bad for feeling that way either.
Gone are the days of adults towering over children dismissing their feelings and needs so why should it be any different for adults? If I am feeling a certain way it is a beacon to illuminate an unmet need or trauma that needs to heal and it is MY responsibility to do the work while loving myself through it.
Be kind to yourselves.
Much love
Cx
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