An inferiority complex is when a person has feelings of inadequacy or inferiority, whether real or imagined. These feelings may result from a physical defect or surface in situations where we feel less intelligent than our peers. Other times, feelings of inferiority may be concocted from purely imagined shortcomings. Verywellmind.com
Thanks to menopause I had forgotten the term 'inferiority complex' but thanks to Google we are reunited, however for this blog I will stick with 'less than.'
I'm Special
As a nipper I was fairly confident in most situations. I had the most amazing imagination and often delighted my parents with stories of fairies and monsters in the garden. I loved to laugh and be silly and I dance around the living room. Life was full of wonders.
One day, after a particular lesson at school, I came home and asked my parents if I was adopted. The teacher had been talking about her son, who was adopted. She had made it sound so wonderful that I secretly wanted to find out that I was adopted too. Imagine being chosen out of all the other children? Surely that would make me a very, very special person!
To my surprise my mum and dad confirmed that I was, in fact, adopted.
Oh my goodness, I felt as important as a princess!
A 'little' less
I can't remember the exact time I began to feel that being adopted might not be as wonderful as I first thought. It may have been a comment from another child or sibling that started the questions in my mind.
Why was I given away?
We don't give things away unless we don't want them anymore. Did my first parents not want me? Was I broken or damaged in a way that made it hard to love me?
These questions would come and go and, being very young, my answers were very limited.
I recall sitting on the stairs looking through the banisters at my family in the living room. Mum spotted me and asked me what I was doing.
'I'm asking God for a sister', I replied. 'Maybe you can get another girl like me from wherever you got me from?
I wanted another girl to come and keep me company. My brothers had each other to play sports with but I wanted another girl so I could talk about my fears without being laughed at.
My mum smiled and said that I was the perfect daughter for this family.
This made me feel better but I still felt that somehow there was something not quite right with me. In some way I was 'less than' other children.
Growing up 'less than'
The seed of doubt was planted and because of the way our minds work, mine began looking for confirmation that I was indeed 'less than'.
School was the main environment that fed my self-doubt. I was not talented in any subject and often found myself in the lower streams. Anything I thought I was good at soon became overshadowed by another pupil who was obviously gifted.
I loved creative subjects and often wished we didn't have to follow such strict rules governed by the curriculum. I felt it stunted people who thought outside of the box. I was now learning that I not only had to be gifted but also had to comply to be acceptable.
As I write this I wonder if this was what reinforced my habit of people-pleasing?
If I behaved well and didn't question things then I would be 'enough'.
That's education but what about how I looked?
I was short, petite and plain- looking with straight, dark hair. I wasn't pretty. My hair had no volume to it, which was a must in the 80's. It didn't perm well or grow very thick so I often opted for shorter hair. I was a tomboy who loved the occasional pretty thing.
Animals were my friends but even then I would sometimes be bitten or ignored which I took extremely personally.
The only thing I recall as being of value was that I was often labelled as kind and caring. Can you get a GCSE in these subjects? What certificates could I get with these qualities?
NONE!
I felt they didn't serve me well but they were all I had.
The Clash (not the band)
Now I knew what to do and who to be, I began to experience the 'clash'.'
To be of use and worthwhile, I had to be kind and caring.
What happens if I don't feel like being kind and caring to everyone?
What happens if I feel angry or hurt by someone? Do I always turn the other cheek? Do I apologise first even though I didn't do anything wrong?
How about when I don't feel like being around people or hearing their problems?
What if all I want to do is scream 'I DON'T CARE!'
What if I truly dislike someone? Should I pretend?
There is no doubt that as puberty hit, my hormones didn't want me to be cute and caring little Claire Bear anymore. A part of me wanted to shout, scream and stand up for myself. It wanted to be allowed to not only have an opinion but to voice it too.
Gradually I would test the waters asking 'is it safe to be me? Can I be who I really am without being worthless?'
Love hurts
It wasn't long before relationships reinforced my belief that I wasn't worthy. Typically I would like boys who didn't like me and vice versa.
Occasionally I would be shocked to find that a guy that I liked, liked me.
The trick was to be the most accepting and understanding girlfriend they had ever had and that would ensure the relationship would last.
If I felt I wasn't quite their perfect girl, I would adjust my look or music taste to suit them. I would agree with almost everything they said and laugh at their jokes, even if I was the butt of them. If they loved certain cars or computer games, I too, suddenly became a mega fan. If their best friend was annoying, I would pretend it didn't bother me.
As I grew older, some of the things I was claiming to be OK with, I really wasn't!
Everyone has their limits and mine was substance use and porn. I tried to laugh at the movies and pretend I found it funny but inside I didn't. It made me feel ill. I didn't know why, I just knew I didn't want to see it.
'You're a prude! A goody two shoes! It's only sex. I bet you're incredibly boring to be with.'
Oh dear yet another piece of evidence that I was 'less than'. What was I meant to do about this? I was already being teased for abstaining with boyfriends. There was nothing wrong with my libido but I wanted to wait. Partly because I wasn't ready and partly down to my christian upbringing.
Years later it was the same with drugs. It seemed that no matter who or what I tried to be, I was always wrong in some way. I was teased for being a 'square' and thinking I was better than everyone else. What they never knew was that the truth was the exact opposite.
And so
The years have passed and I have fallen prey many, many times to the belief that I am 'less than'.
Fear of being unlovable, abandoned, rejected and left to die have all looked for and found proof that I am 'less than.'
Mental health disorders such as anxiety and panic, thrived on my insecurities, feasting on any confidence I had, leaving me ashamed and desolate.
I would questioned myself over and over again:
Why was I so weak?
Why don't my relationships last?
Why do I look for someone to save me? Why doesn't someone save me?
Why am I such a bloody wuss?
Why can't I get my shit together?
Why? Why? Why?
Epiphany
It was a bright day and I was sitting looking out over the loch, thinking about someone I had been close to. I was thinking how they had reacted to me and our relationship breakdown many years ago.
Having recently caught up with them again, we had shared how things had affected us and that was when it dawned on me.
I have always seen myself as at the bottom of the 'life ladder'. I scrape by, barely coping whereas everyone else's starting point is much higher up that ladder. I assumed that they had greater knowledge and coping skills than me. I believed them to be functioning from a far more confident and stronger place than myself.
They had to be because I was at the bottom, the lowest of the low. There was no lower or lesser place to be starting from. Therefore everyone HAD to be higher, more capable , more self-aware, more self assured!
So I asked myself, no one could be trying to cope from a level or ability lower than me, could they?
All this time I have been dismissing my abilities. I have assumed that because I was 'less than' in so many areas of life, I was failing at everything.
I hadn't recognised that at times I function at levels more progressed than others.
I assumed that from a more informed or educated level people chose to walk away from me. It never occurred to me that maybe they didn't have the necessary resources to cope with the situations that arose. It never occurred to me that they might be lacking in someway. It was only myself I judged so harshly and saw everyone else's decisions as being from a place of 'more than.'
I cannot tell you how liberating this has been. To finally see that we all excel and fail at different things.
I don't have a degree, own a big house or have oodles of followers. What I do have is the strength, tenacity and grit to overcome mood disorders. I have the passion to be a voice for those struggling with mental health. I have no shame about my own struggles and I will shout loudly on behalf of those fearful of stigma.
I am now my own cheerleader.
What skills do you have that you overlook and dismiss?
Cx
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